Men and women in the workplace: same language, different styles

It took less than 5 minutes for my tweet to be rubbished by a male associate of mine. I’d put up a post sharing some information that I thought might be useful to other people. In next to no time my tweet had turned into a thread discussing how my initial suggestion was a waste of time. My idea wasn’t perfect but it obviously had merit, so why point out small and irrelevant downsides when the overall suggestion was helpful? Why had this guy been so mean about it?  “What a total *******” I thought to myself. I didn't lose any sleep over it but I couldn’t help but wonder why someone I only know professionally had gone out of their way to disagree with me publicly. Was he trying to score points make to himself look clever? Why would anyone do that?

A few days later I listened to the fantastic Harvard Business Review's Women at Work podcast. It completely changed the way I felt about that Twitter exchange. I quickly began to understand that maybe my Twitter dissenter wasn’t trying to be mean after all.............

The Power of Talk

Since the early nineties, Deborah Tannen, American academic and professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, has been researching the influence of linguistic style on conversations and relationships in the workplace. She has been observing how the different linguistic rituals that men and women learn in childhood affect their judgments of competence and confidence, as well as who gets heard, who gets credit, and what gets done.

Women are often told to ‘lean in’, ‘speak up’ or ‘be more confident’ much to the bemusement of women everywhere because they believe they are making themselves perfectly clear and feel suitably confident. The problem isn’t as simple as ‘fix the women’ (the subject of a whole other blog/rant perhaps) but that communication in the workplace is centred around male linguistic rituals. The way women communicate is often wrongly interpreted as lacking confidence or authority when that is not what they were trying to convey. Of course, we all run into problems when we interpret what other people say according to our rituals but as most senior leaders and decision makers are men, these misunderstandings have a disproportionately negative impact on women.

Health warning!

The rituals discussed below are generalisations. They are based on decades of observations and studies but because there are so many factors that influence our behaviour they won’t apply to every man or every woman. 

Before we begin: why men and women communicate differently

Tannen explains that because children generally play in same-sex groups they tend to create different linguistic rituals growing up. Although both girls and boys find ways of creating rapport and building status, girls tend to generate rituals that focus on rapport whereas boys rituals tend to focus on status.

From an early age, girls learn that making themselves sound better than other girls will make them unpopular and can lead to being ostracised from the group. Instead, they downplay the ways in which they are better than their peers and they bond by emphasising the ways in which they are similar. None of the group take this modesty seriously but girls learn to talk in ways that balance their needs with those of others.

Groups of boys tend to play differently. Rapport building is focused around status, so boys expect each other to emphasise the ways in which they are better than their peers. Boys generally don’t give each other labels like ‘bossy’ because leaders in the group are expected to tell lower-status boys what to do. Boys learn to use language to determine their status by displaying their skills and knowledge, giving orders, taking centre stage and challenging others.

Linguistic Rituals

So what are some of these linguistic rituals that cause confusion in the workplace?

Ritual Opposition

When men communicate they often offer an opposing stance to get things done. Instead of supporting a speaker's position they draw out opposing points and flaws in order to bring new ideas into the discussion.

Women, on the other hand, are socialised to build rapport through supporting others and bringing in new ideas in a way that saves face for others in the group. So, this approach of verbal ‘sparring’ will often be misinterpreted as criticism and taken personally.

Instructions as requests

In her article The Power of Talk, Tannen gives the example of a woman in a senior leadership role asking her assistant “Could you do me a favour and do this for me by 4 pm?”. One of her male peers took her to one side and gave her feedback reminding her that she was the boss.

To him, she wasn’t taking to lead. To her, it was obvious that her assistant was expected to get the report back to her by 4 pm but she didn’t see the harm in asking politely. She was making the request in a way that allowed her assistant to feel good. To others though, her politeness was construed a lack of confidence.

Downplaying

In the HBR Podcast, Tannen makes an interesting comment when she is asked if women are less confident or if they are socialised to sound less confident. She observes that the latter of the two is true.

She refers to a study in an American university where freshmen were asked to predict what grades they would get at the end of their first year. Half of the group were asked to do this publicly and half were asked to submit their predictions privately. In the public group, the grades predicted by women were markedly lower. In the private group, the predictions were the broadly the same for men and women. Women may downplay their abilities publicly but that doesn't necessarily mean they lack confidence.

This downplaying of abilities might sound self-defeating. Don't women realise how they are suffering from this false modesty? Well yes, they do but it's a careful balancing act. Society still has some very traditional expectations of how women should speak. Ask any woman and she'll tell you, there is also a penalty for appearing too confident.

Clarifying

Ever heard a phrase like “I don’t quite follow that. Could you explain a bit further?” used in a meeting? Women often use this language when they have followed the discussion but they want the speaker to explain better without directly challenging the speaker or causing them embarrassment. This approach may also be used when a woman identifies that some of the group need more elaboration and she wants to save face for others. The downside, however, is that this is often interpreted as her either not understanding or her not being confident.

Apologising

Apologising is another ritual women tend to use more often than men. If a colleague fails to attend a meeting a woman is more likely to say something like “The meeting was at 2 pm today. I notice you weren't there. Sorry if I didn’t let you know”. Of course, she isn’t actually apologising, she is addressing the issue in a way that allows the other person to save face.

On the plus side, this is a great strategy for preserving the relationship. The downside is, that interpreted literally, it can make you look like you are genuinely at fault. Another risk is that other person might not complete their part of the ritual.

Credit taking

Tannen observes that women will tend to use “we” when referring to achievements for which they are individually and personally responsible. Men are more likely than women to use “I” when discussing achievements for which they are not individually and personally responsible.

She describes a meeting in which a female participant called Cheryl was responsible for most of the key contributions. Her colleague Phil backed up her points, often talking about them at greater length. After the meeting, Cheryl was asked who would be credited with most of the ideas, her or Phil. She said she was grateful for Phil's support but believed her contribution was evident to her colleagues. Phil also thought that Cheryl would be credited with the ideas. Speaking to her colleagues the women agreed but only 1 of 3 men did. Most of the participants thought Phil had made the more significant contribution to the meeting.

This highlights another difference. Women often don't feel the need to talk up their work, believing if their work is good it will be recognised. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to take the view “If I don't tell people,  how will they know?”.

And the rest. ……

I can't possibly do the depth of Deborah Tannen's work justice here. If you want to learn more (and I strongly suggest you do) read her original HBR article: The Power of Talk or listen to the interview in the HBR Women at Work Podcast.

What does it all mean?

Understanding that we get into trouble when we interpret and evaluate others according to our rituals made me rethink the Twitter exchange I mentioned earlier. Perhaps my Twitter friend wasn’t being mean after all. Perhaps he was trying to bond using ritual opposition? Maybe he was bringing in different views to generate discussion? To be fair, if that was his aim he was successful. The tweet generated a healthy discussion among the participants. He saved me from asking an unanswered question.

Was I supposed to ‘spar’ with him instead of backing off? Maybe he was just used to building rapport that way? I saw his tweets as being mean and he probably saw my backing off as lack of conviction in my views, or maybe even coldness. Maybe he really was just being a jerk maybe he wasn’t, but either way I’m certain no harm was intended and understanding that I was as much to blame for the lack of understanding made me feel a whole lot better and even a little foolish. He didn’t complete my ritual and I didn’t complete his and that is something we must all take responsibility for understanding.

Interestingly the differences in linguistic rituals don't just happen between genders, they happen across cultures too. It's not enough to just expect others to communicate the way we do. With the workplace becoming increasingly diverse it is in all of our interests to understand that what other people say and how they say it doesn't always mean what it would had we said it that way.

What rituals have you noticed in the workplace?

What ones do you use?

Which linguistic rituals or phrases annoy you or leave you scratching your head?

 

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